Forgiveness.

Today I had a session with one of my kids about forgiveness. Forgiveness and the importance it plays  in managing our relationships, especia...

Today I had a session with one of my kids about forgiveness. Forgiveness and the importance it plays  in managing our relationships, especially the one with ourselves. Guiding my kid through the session activity made me reflect on my own experiences with forgiveness, and my journey to the attitude I now have about it.


I have never been one to say "sorry." Apologizing was something that never came easy to me as a child. My feelings were simple: If I did it, I meant it so I'd be lying to you (and myself) if I said sorry. In my mind, this made the times that I did say sorry most sincere. I took pride in saying, "I never say sorry so you KNOW I mean it [now]."

When I was an undergrad in college, I had an experience that challenged this thinking. Someone I loved broke me in a way that I never imagined was possible. And so many of the decisions I made in that situation, and for much time later were made from this place of hurt. Hurt and resentment. I resented this person for making me feel bad about my self. I resented this person for making me feel like what I felt wasn't worth a damn. I resented this person for taking advantage of how much I loved and cared for them, and I was hurt by how empty I felt.

Then one day all I felt was tired. I was tired of being resentful, tired of being hurt, and tired of feeling weak. That shit was exhausting. And it was lonely, and it drove me insane. I wish I knew or remembered what it was that triggered my 'ah ha' moment, but at some point I realized that the person I really resented was myself. I resented myself for letting my guard down. I resented myself for not knowing/questioning how amazing I was. I resented myself for doubting that I was fucking worth it. I resented myself for allowing this person to have so much power over me.

I became sorry. I owned the choices I made, admitted to what I felt, and I accepted where I was in that point of time. That is how I found forgiveness. It was one million times easier typing it than it was to do, but I did it. Crazy thing is, for so long I thought that forgiving myself (and them) would make me weak. But once I did, I never felt stronger. 

Forgive yourself. You deserve it.

xoxo


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