Peace.

Note: This has been in my phone since March 27th and were my thoughts on this day. ------------------- Today one of my best friends to...

Note: This has been in my phone since March 27th and were my thoughts on this day.

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Today one of my best friends told me that her ex boyfriend, her most recent love is getting engaged.

Her: So [he's] getting engaged.
Me: Wait hold on
Me: Nope
Me: I can't do this today

Once she gets past my confusion she tells me that she's not surprised, was waiting for him to tell her, and describes being happy for him because she's "prayed for him to get closer to God and be in love."

She's a better woman than me. Ok, maybe not a better woman because I too wish him and all of my exes happiness. But she's definitely in a better place than I. I tried my best to be present in our conversation but I could not help but be consumed with thoughts about "him." With so many words left unsaid, so many feelings unresolved, so many what ifs and maybes...how would I feel?

I don't know. But the thought of it hurts. What I do know is that I miss him so much. As crazy and as dumb as it makes me.

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Since then I have done some reflection. I remember having a conversation with this very friend a few years ago after ending a relationship. During this conversation, I explained to my friend how I had come to terms with the relationship ending because I realized that there were things that this person wanted and needed that I would never be able to give them. I wanted them to be happy and I realized (at least at that time) that I could not make them happy. I didn't see it as a bad or good thing, it was just the thing that brought me peace. I remember my friend saying that she could never feel this way. So today when I think about her finding peace in the guy she felt was the love of her life getting engaged, I am happy for her. 

xoxo


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